Out Cold takes stupid college stories to a new level with a rather large amount of jokes that insult women, tons of antics which make idiots out of its main characters, and a plethora of situations that are never funny, unless a significant portion of the audience is drunk. Or stoned. Like the characters in this movie. Because their collective performances are so bad that the only way they will be redeemed in heaven and let through the pearly gates is if they can convince Saint Peter they were forced to make such a horrible movie.
There is one scene in this film that might garner a few laughs from the audience. But it’s in the trailer, so watching the film in its entirety would be nothing less than a colossal waste of time, as the eighty minutes or so of screen time this movie takes up is much too long for anyone to endure. Take the scenes where lead star, Jason London tries to romance one of his costars. It’s not just that Caroline Dhavernas’s French accent (she plays the vapid young woman, “Anna”) is far too Canadian to be believable. There is also the fact that London’s performance is entirely far-fetched. Can he really be that dumb?
Perhaps it’s just that his dialogue seems to have been written by someone whose first language is not English or by a person with no talent for writing. Screenwriter Jon Zack should be slapped for creating such literary drivel. If not for the drunken antics of London’s costars, viewers of this film might actually have had to pay attention to the dialogue. And that would have been torture indeed. Take the sequence where the stock black character tries unsuccessfully to make it down the mountain on his snowboard. It’s an understatement to say that his character is stereotypical, but it doesn’t help that he’s the only Afro-American in the cast and is the only one who can’t ski.
While the joke might have worked if a larger percentage of the cast was black or other members of the cast were also skiing impaired, the character itself, played by Flex Alexander isn’t overly entertaining anyway. And speaking of skiing, the sport itself is nothing but an afterthought as it is only highlighted in the beginning and ending sequences of the film. The sport should have been featured prominently in the film to give it some personality, because the characters seem to be completely devoid of it.
Perhaps it was the tasteless performance by Victoria Silvstedt as the German step-daughter of evil developing magnate, “John Majors,” ironically played by the similarly named Lee Majors. Or maybe it was the torrent of lame excuses for infant-level drunken jokes perpetrated by resident idiots “Pig Pen,” “Luke,” and “Barry,” played by Derek Hamilton, Zach Galifianakis, and Todd Richards, respectively. All without enough brain-matter to sustain the intelligence of a doorknob, these three characters add nothing but drunken college boy jokes to the script. And unfortunately, even drunken viewers of their frolicking might not be entertained.
It seems almost futile to discuss the plot and story of this film, given that it’s really just an excuse to get the women naked and the men drunk. The cinematography is good enough to hide the faces of the stunt men and women doing the real skiing and has a few decent mountain vistas thrown in for good measure. The soundtrack has the usual assortment of currently well-liked pop songs. The crewmembers responsible for non-character elements of the film (such as music, cinematography, art direction) all seemed to do their jobs competently, but the failings in comedy and character are just too egregious to be ignored.
Whether it’s that the story has been presented ten thousand times before, or that the characters aren’t sympathetic, or that the performances aren’t believable, this movie is just filled with nothing to look at. The dialogue is just horrendous. Really horrendous. Save one joke where a bunch of drunken buddies scare their friend to death by spinning a car around and jerking him awake from his own drunken stupor (just watch the trailer to see it), every comedic moment in this film falls flat. It’s easy to discount a film because its humor is directed at a certain demographic, but even entertaining twelve-year-old boys with this one might prove to be a difficult task.
Review by Kelsey Wyatt.
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